Dr. Jo. I wanted you so badly, to be in the kitchen cooking with me, like we used to do. But you are doing such amazing things and even if you cant see it now, you are changing the world because of him and because of your pain. I sat, listened, and fought back my tears the entire time that I was with him. She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and its what I will do for the rest of my life. Throw up. I think you would have loved that name. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. I miss you. I miss you. Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here. Alright little man. I often feel like after you died, we should have just up and moved to freaking Australia or somewhere crazy. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Ronan. It wouldnt have been this way, if you were still here. I know Ive been quiet. Danielle. She is one of the busiest women on the planet, but I so appreciated her taking the time to talk to me about anything and everything. I have some serious business to attend to! Macy. No need for bullshit or pretending. I hope you are safe. I am going to build something amazing with it. Oh, theres perfect infant Ronan. I was getting ready for our little board meeting and I should have suspected something.. but I just chopped it up to being tired. I cant wait to see you at the finish line! I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. July 28, 2011 - ROCKSTAR RONAN on Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, on From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. Bye Bye Little Sad House! Get a few more things done. 0 faves. Through my sadness, grief, pain. This was not something I was going to tell him over the phone. I beg over and over in my head. We are truly grateful to have him on our side. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. I worry about her so much already. You only left me with the best and for that, I will always be thankful. if everybody came back in the room with me. Plain and simple. I know we can change this. How do I even put into words, who he is? What a day. I dont remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand. the chucking continues. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. Im used to being the energizer bunny. She talked about how she was so excited to run this but then pulling up to park and seeing your little face on the poster was just awful. Sparkly Eyes - ROCKSTAR RONAN I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur. P.S. Im sure my feeling this way is due to a combination of things. My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. I dont want to sit and punch things or hurt myself. Rawness. Thats how I like it., Him: I know you insist on doing allthese things alone, but its not the way it should be. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. Thanks for making it rain on him the other night while he was out for a walk with his mama. Sometimes not. I am so proud to call you all my friends and I will never forget what you did for us not only today, but always. We WILL get to the White House to make them fight harder for our kids who are dealing with cancer. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I dont want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. I feel like I am back there again. Since you cannot be here, to kick ass at this sport, I now feel like I should do this for you. Holy smokes I was blown away! Mama! How could my baby be just fucking dead? I promise to be the best little tenant ever. I had the flu. I took Becca and Stacy there today. on I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person. I ran the lake as fast as I could with an injured knee from my previous running that I have been doing. I'm landing close to midnight. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. They turned out beautifully. It was my agent, Nena. I emailed her and told her I was there and that I wish had been there, speaking. There is a missing layer to all of this and it is only something that Dr. Badass JoRo can deliver. We talked about Poppy for a while. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. Macy is here now. You are pure magic and are totally going to make the best fucking godmother ever. I felt myself panic. Its raining like crazy here today. We had a little foundation business to attend to. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. Im tired tonight, Ronan. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! He deserved to be mine, for much longer than almost 4 years. Nobody wants to take care of you because youve been so mean. Go figure. I dont like being in our house, without you. Ronan will be a part of both of their names, regardless of the sex of the baby. Trapped inside my own personal hell with your little bedroom down the hall, untouched like you are still here. Alone. I miss you so much. I didnt survive this. I set it out for Stacy to pick up to give to Fernanda to let her work her magic. She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. I love that so much. Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. I love you, Ronan. Thank you for never forgetting my little guy who continues to inspire you daily. A Target trip that seemed so overwhelming to me that I had to sit in the parking lot and sob for a good 20 minutes before I could even get into the store to buy the one item I needed. To make sure good things continue to go on, because of their baby? Are you home now?, Me: No. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. I got home. One of my oldest friends, Laura was sweet enough to stay back with me so I didnt have to walk alone. Whats wrong? That is basically like naming her Wooddawg. I had to laugh at that. I said I knew. Most of the time alone. He promised to help me fuck cancer and Im not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that. I dont think you ever knew you were going to die, Ronan. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. Im really going to kick your ass now! I am not perfect. Darling (P.S., SB that's your new name) , an honest talk with my husband, and the music that blares on my headphones from a mixed C.D. You should have been the one, watching me die from old age. That phone call that I know he did not want to make, for fear of ruining our trip. That phone call that left my head spinning, tears falling, sheer panic, and of course where my mind goes to the absolute worst place. I find myself obsessing about your safety, your happiness, your sadness and who is taking care of you when it should beclearly be me. I have no way of gauging my feelings because I never know how I am going to feel on a day to day basis. Ronan. Most of our weekends are low key. I find myself obsessing about you and why you are not here. Im looking for you. I know what I am coming home to. I mean, I think your big blue eyes are the most compelling piece of evidence ever of why this disease deserves to have a better outcome. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. My heart started pounding. They kept coming in to check on me. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan, but we will fix him. I had a little secret very important meeting today. It started with that phone call from your Mr. Sparkly Eyes while I was out in the Hamptons with your Poppy sister. Thank you for him. She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I hope you are safe. Did I forget to mention the fact that I know your sister is going to be extra spicy, just like you? It seemed to have all the answers. That all I get now are beautiful moments in life. Rise and ShineInsomnia! Not even a trip to the grocery store, the car wash, the bank, etc Even the littlest things are different. The Ronan Thompson Foundation - ROCKSTAR RONAN Our weekly little catch up that means everything to me. I did not want to use our money, to rent an office space so I did the best with what we had, which was our house or one of the 5 Starbucks that I troll on a regular basis.That Starbucks music was about to make me slit my wrists. He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. Thanks as always for your love and support. I have lots to do today. I cant imagine what writing about your death will be like for me. I truly expected more from you. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - ROCKSTAR RONAN It was game over. Walking in with it was easy. I know she meant it because she is such a true friend like that. It cannot be real because it is too awful. I will always look for you though. Your daddy never knows what hes going to get with me. I would rather jump out of an airplane, 10 times then have to walk out of PCH with your Captain Rex costume that you will never wear again. She asked me if I would like to know. Everything hurts. Ive been a fucking mess, but hiding it pretty well. THANK YOU. that my New York Miss Macy made me. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, Its going to be alright, its going to be alright.. Sheets drenched. There is no better place, then here with me. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. We talked about a lot of stuff. We dont have many plans for the weekend. Aye! I am dreaming of a womans Lacrosse team as we speak. They asked if I would be up for doing Skype interviews with them, pretty frequently. I then just said to Macy, Im not doing this for myself. I didnt see him walk up, I only heard him barking some smart ass remark to me, like he always does. His keys, our son, on our dresser. I like to listen to her when I bake. If you are not and you are still complaining about this shit I would really like to punch you in the face. Romazing. Ive been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. I sent Dr. Jo a text to tell her that this conference desperately needed her there. I love you so much. Nobody knows that. I will see you tomorrow.. It was actually all I could do, not to run up to the podium and hijack the speakers talk. Pillow case soaked. Missing you. Liz. Oh, how you loved that thing. My foggy grief brain still makes a lot of my memories of you, hard to remember. Every year since you left when Mr. Sparkly Eyes' birthday rolls around, I always give him a card that I've made for him through my iPhoto with a picture of you on it. I remember with all of you, I read that book, What To Expect, When Youre Expecting. I carried that thing around with me like it was my bible. Hello, who the fuck does this life/grief/pregnancy/death fuckwad, think they are dealing with? Your brothers sat playing on their iPads and I was on the table, getting my little belly lubed up. She is a wonderful doctor. I love you. Its comforting to your daddy and brothers so this is why I stay here. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. I miss you. I continue on because I know that you want me to make this better for others. You are right. Come on, settle down. Are you sure? The technician told me she was about 90% sure. I am going to try to get a little more rest before I have to take on this day. P.S. Your boots were not that ugly.. You know that I will never stop worrying about this baby having cancer, ever. "Rockstar Ronan" ~ This is where I go before I log onto my e-mail in the mornings, before I check my business websites or do anything . Thank you to all of you who are running for Ronan and who have raised so much money for us. I was wearing my most favorite Frye Cowboy boots that I have had for about 7 years. No eating required. He is someone you loved so much. Can we talk about when you can induce me. Go, go, go. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. Her secret is beyond this world and she is the only one that can posses it. We had such an amazing turn out and I felt like I was floating in a sea of purple the entire day. The days are lost for me. Liam chimed in, too. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. I will never understand why this is acceptable. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. I have been reading all of your comments today. Stacy is coming with me. She is so lucky to have you. He responded back with a simple, I will. I said, I know. Shes very eager which I like. I dont understand this. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. But I am not doing this the nice way. And if they do get cancer, there should really be better treatments and options. Cancer can strike at any time and the fact that options for all these kids is so limited, is beyond bullshit. They offered to buy a new one. Sweet dreams, little man. This will be how you live on and help others. Her secret has nothing to do with her fancy degree. Im angry, sad, and feel really let down. We have about one idea for a first name. I ended the day with Stacy at Fernandas house. I had spent so much time working on it, losing sleep over it, and mostly obsessing over it I knew I was going to crack. Your room no longer seems so sad, empty and cold. I got a text from Carolyn saying to call her that she had some news. For you, Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Miss you. - ROCKSTAR RONAN I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. We are home now. And it was to childhood cancer. My shot didnt hurt for me today. How awesome would that be? An ear infection, counting my blessings! Its amazing the way she seemsto beworking her little magic on all of us. If I wasnt sold on the name Poppy, I sure am now. Hopefully in the next month or so, Ill have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this.

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